Blog of Peter Lambert

For my first year of college I attended a large private university in Utah. For Homecoming, about ten of us went out to dinner together before the dance. We were from a variety of places across the US; I came from Michigan, my companions were from places such as California, Utah, Texas, and North Carolina.

At one point the conversation turned to the types of fast food chains found where each of us lived. There was a Carl's Jr. located across the street from our campus, and I had eaten there for the first time a couple weeks before since there are none in Michigan. We talked about Jack in the Box, and a couple other chains, and then the conversation moved on.

A couple minutes later, Andrea, from Washington, who had been pretty quiet up to this point, innocently said "Do you guys have Dick's? You know, they are like In'N'Out?"

After a few seconds of silence, she realized what she had said and turned bright red.

I was setting a fire in the fireplace, and my 3 yo niece says to me "Be careful Uncle Peter, the fire is spicy."

The rest of these are some of my old favorites:

Q. What is bright orange and sounds like a parrot?
A. A carrot

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Q. What happens when the smog lifts in Los Angeles?
A. UCLA

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My uncle Joe smoked a pack a day and drank a case of beer every night, and when he died he didn't look a day over fifty. He died when he was twenty-nine.

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Superman is flying around town when he sees Wonder Woman on a rooftop, naked, lying on her back with her legs spread out and her eyes closed. Glancing around, Superman decides nobody else can see her, so he flies down, unzips his pants, and faster than a speeding bullet gives her a good humping, then zooms away.

Wonder Woman opens her eyes and says "What just happened?"

The Invisible Man says "I don't really know, but my ass hole hurts all of a sudden!"

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Joe runs an ice cream truck. Every day he stops at this park, and every day he sees this retarded kid hanging around. The kid always asks for some ice cream, but he doesn't have any money. Joe feels sorry for the kid, so he says "I'll make you a deal: if you can clap your hands three times, then I will give you an ice cream cone."

So the kid says "OK", and gives it a try: WHIFF, one hand goes over the other. And Joe says "Well, maybe you can get it tomorrow."

The next day the kid comes by, and Joe gives him the same deal. The kid smiles really big, spreads his arms out, and CLAP, WHIFF, misses it on the second time.

He tries again the next day: CLAP, CLAP, WHIFF.

The next day the kid comes by and Joe gives him one more try. He concentrates really hard, and slowly moves his arms: CLAP, CLAP, CLAP.

Joe says "Horray, you finally got it, here's your ice cream cone."

The kid takes the ice cream cone and SPLORCH, smashes it into his forehead.¹

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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and you will never see him again on Sundays.

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After the great flood, Noah gets off the Ark and says to all the animals "Go forth, multiply, and replenish the Earth."

A little while later, he goes around to make sure everybody is doing OK. Everywhere he goes he sees baby animals, cubs, kits, foals, calves, kids, piglets, puppies, and so on, until he comes to a pair of snakes with no baby. He says to them "Why have you not reproduced as your God commanded?" And they say "We would, but we need you to cut down some trees."

Noah is a little confused, but he goes and does it anyway. He cuts down a couple trees and leaves them for the snakes.

A while later he comes back, and to his surprise there are a bunch of baby snakes. So he asks the snakes "Why did you need me to cut down a tree before you had kids?"

And they answered: "We're adders, we need logs to multiply."

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Spiderman: So, can you guys give me any advice on, you know, how to last longer with the ladies?

Superman: Don't ask me, they say I'm faster than a speeding bullet.

The Flash: No idea, I'm literally the fastest man on Earth.

Vision: I have no genitals.

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Teacher: Please use the word "waffle" in a sentence.

Johnny: "Come on over and my waffle make you something to eat."

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At Jack's funeral, somebody asks Judy, his wife of sixty years: "I have heard that you and Jack never had an argument in your whole marriage, how did you do it?"

And she says "That's not completely true. We did have one argument, let me tell you the story:

Back when we were young we got married and we took this horse and carriage out for our honeymoon. We were going along and a fox ran by, startled the horse and made it bolt. Jack wrestled it down to a stop, then he got down, stood in front of the horse, pointed his finger and said "Don't do that. That's your first warning."

So he got back in the carriage next to me and we carried on. We were having such a pleasant ride, when an owl swooped past, startled the horse and made it bolt. Again Jack wrestled it to a stop, got down in front of the horse, pointed his finger and said "Don't do that. That's your second warning."

Well, we hadn't gone another twenty paces when a dog barked nearby, and the horse bolted again. Jack wrestled the horse to a stop, got down off the carriage, pulled out a gun and shot the horse in the head.

It took me by surprise, and I said "Jack, what did you have to shoot the horse for, it wasn't his fault!"

And he looked me in the eye, pointed his finger, and said "Don't argue with me. That's your first warning."

"And we never had another argument after that."

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"Doctor, doctor, I woke up this morning and my dick is orange!"

"Hmm, were you doing anything unusual last night?"

"Well, no, I was just eating Cheetos and watching porn ..."

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"Doctor, doctor, my sister thinks she's a chicken!"

"Hmm, how long has this been going on?"

"For a couple months now."

"Why haven't you said anything before?"

"We don't have a lot of money, and we could really use the eggs."

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"Doctor, doctor, there is something wrong with me! It hurts every time I do this," patient pushes his finger against his head, "Ouch! Or when I do this," patient pushes his finger against his arm, "Ouch! Or when I do this," patient pushes his finger against his knee, "Ouch! What is wrong with me?"

"Hmm, your finger is broken"

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John and Jane are a young couple, recently married. Jane wants to make something nice for her husband for Friday night dinner, and she remembers he always says how much he loved his mother's baked chicken dinner. So she looks up a recipe in her hand-me-down cookbook, spends a couple hours prepping, and has the bird on the table just as John walks in the door. After the meal, Jane asks if he liked it, and John says "It was pretty good, but it wasn't as good as my Momma always made it."

Jane is a bit disappointed, but the next week she decides to try again. She scours the internet looking for the best baked chicken recipe, spends all afternoon prepping, and has the bird on the table just as John walks in the door. After the meal, Jane asks if he liked it, and John says "It was pretty good, but it wasn't as good as my Momma always made it."

Jane is a bit worried that she will never live up to her mother-in-law, but she decides to give it one more try the next Friday. She spends the weekend getting tips and tricks from all her older girl friends, and gets a recipe book from the library with the finest cuisine from around the world. She spends all day prepping, and has the bird on the table just as John walks in the door. After the meal, she again asks if he liked it, and John says again "It was pretty good, but it wasn't as good as my Momma always made it."

Now Jane is furious that her husband does not appreciate all her hard work. So about ten minutes before John comes home on Friday she throws a frozen bird into the oven and scorches it. John comes home and she sets the blackened chicken down in front of him and lets he have a taste. After a couple bites, John says "This is amazing, it tastes just like Momma always made it!"

1. This one is funner to tell face-to-face so you can act out the kid's movements. [↩]